Just another light, uplifting post
On Friday night, we were at a local college gymnastics meet. We were there with friends of ours who have two late elementary/early middle school aged girls (maybe 10 and 12?). At one point, I looked over and all of them -- the two older girls and our four-year-old girl--were gone. I initially broke into a cold sweat; I ordered myself to be sane and rational; I said right out to my friend, "this is a new parenting moment. I don't know if I'm ready for this." "What?," she asked. "My child, going off with other children, alone," I replied. I twitched and fidgeted for another minute and then finally sent dh to check on them (I would have gone but darling son was clinging to my lap and saying, "mommy I neeeeeed you.")
The extent of the damage ended up being that our girl ordered a hot dog, of all things, on the other girls' offer of a snack (they got licorice, for goodness' sake, and our girl polishes off a hot dog? At 9:00 at night?) I'm okay with us going to check; I don't think that was too overly neurotic. But it brought up all of those questions all over again: how protective is overprotective? What risks are worth taking, and which ones aren't? It reminded me, of course, of Carrie's thoughtful post on this issue. Then yesterday I found this post, which (while it's about internet child safety) raises other good issues about fear. Danah's observations then led me to this one, which is filled with statistics and charts about (online) sexual abuse and abuse of children. Now, these are not fun topics--but we're so saturated with fear now that it's hard to remember that we're living in relatively safe times in a relatively safe country. Yes, as my sister pointed out on the phone tonight, statistics aren't all that meaningful when you're considering your own kid. But, perception (and misconception) could keep me from letting my kids grow in appropriate ways, while perhaps unintentionally leaving them vulnerable to other incidents. I think I've mentioned this book before--but this is a good one: Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.
That is all. I promise a post filled with hope and jolly goodness next!
The extent of the damage ended up being that our girl ordered a hot dog, of all things, on the other girls' offer of a snack (they got licorice, for goodness' sake, and our girl polishes off a hot dog? At 9:00 at night?) I'm okay with us going to check; I don't think that was too overly neurotic. But it brought up all of those questions all over again: how protective is overprotective? What risks are worth taking, and which ones aren't? It reminded me, of course, of Carrie's thoughtful post on this issue. Then yesterday I found this post, which (while it's about internet child safety) raises other good issues about fear. Danah's observations then led me to this one, which is filled with statistics and charts about (online) sexual abuse and abuse of children. Now, these are not fun topics--but we're so saturated with fear now that it's hard to remember that we're living in relatively safe times in a relatively safe country. Yes, as my sister pointed out on the phone tonight, statistics aren't all that meaningful when you're considering your own kid. But, perception (and misconception) could keep me from letting my kids grow in appropriate ways, while perhaps unintentionally leaving them vulnerable to other incidents. I think I've mentioned this book before--but this is a good one: Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.
That is all. I promise a post filled with hope and jolly goodness next!
posted by prrrof at 8:31 PM
7 Comments:
This is extremely true. It's a fine line between being overprotective and being concerned about your child's well being. And anyway...we're moms. It's our perogative to be overprotective. To be cliche- 'better safe than sorry'.
can you ever be too careful?? It is SO hard to know when to give them a little rope and when to hover. I always feel like I'd rather be safe than sorry and yet, I don't want to smother and make them afraid of everything either. Hard stuff.
When they're four, feel free to smother, that's my philosophy!!!
This reminds me of another post I read the other day where this guy (not a parent) was telling parents to "calm down" about the flu, because apparently kids are dying of it this year. He was quoting some statistics about how only 40 kids die of the flu in the WHOLE COUNTRY every year.
I helpfully pointed out that if YOUR kid dies of the flu, those statistics don't mean doodely-squat! Same applies here.
Thanks for the good comments--and believe me, I have a VERY strong mother bear instinct inside. Statistics, of course, do nothing to ameliorate the pain of a parent who has a child suffer from ___ (abuse, unexpected death, whatever bad thing). *But*, what they can help me do is _remind_ me that I may be overly fearful about something that is NOT likely to happen while being not fearful ENOUGH of something that is much more likely to happen.
I know, still doesn't make it easier for me to get on an airplane. But it does remind me that I might be teaching my kids unhealthy fear of all people, rather than teaching them to, generally, trust their fellow planet dwellers...
I found this post to be very uplifting actually. I have all the same fears and find them to be immobilizing at times. Nice to know others have them too and yet aren't conquered by them. Thanks for the links, nice to have some perspective. Guess I'll let my kids play outside after all..
Definitely good to show kids to face your fears, but I'm with Lisa... there ain't no such thing as smothering under the age of, oh, 18 or so. In reality, it's hard to be a good parent, respect boundaries and keep kids to be safe all while feeling like your nerves are inside out because you love them so much. erk.
You are so right, statistics mean zilch when it's your child.
Something that strikes me when thinking about the fear of letting kids grow and gain independence is this: parenting is like letting your heart walk around outside your body.
That saying (I wish I could remember where it came from) rings very true. And it's a big, big world out there. One in which to be cautious and explore all at the same time! You just need to figure out how to balance letting your heart walk around in it without losing it in the process.
Carrie
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