women, guilt, and sharing at-home parenting
Or: oh no--not this again, prrrof.
Originally when we two sisters started this blog, one thing that fascinated us was our ability to both feel guilt over what we were or were not doing with parenting and work. Staying home meant worrying about not working; working meant feeling like a far less than perfect mom because, after all, really good moms choose to stay home with their kids (when they can).
This came up again for me this week because a small work trip is going to take me out of town for a few days longer than I'd anticipated next month, and it sent me reeling. My colleague asked me why it was bothering me (in a genuine, honest way); he noted that his father had traveled quite a bit when he was a kid. Of course, it made me anxious me to think about being gone because I'll desperately miss my kids and dh--but the kids will have their grandparents here and their dad, of course, who is with them two days a week anyway. So it's not like they're not used to him. What bothered me most, though, was thinking that other women -- women I admire and appreciate and respect -- might in turn be thinking in their heads, "Wow--I can't *imagine* leaving my kids for 6 days. What kind of mom is she?" Now, mind you, this comes solely from the voices in my own head. No one has *ever* said anything negative to me about working, and I'm surrounded by many close friends who are amazing stay-at-home-moms. The judgment I'm hearing, then, is all from within. It's a cultural message I've somehow absorbed well.
So that's the guilt part. It's subsided recently, but came bubbling up again over this upcoming trip. The flip side of the coin is what attempting to share responsibilities mostly equally--or somewhat equally--has done for our little family and dh and I's relationship.* I stumbled on this site tonight, and it helps me name what we're trying to do. I think my dh is even more unusual than I am -- and those of you who know us might say we're both wierd! -- but, beyond working enough to make our monthly bills and provide as well for our family as we can, neither of us cares who actually makes more, and both of us are committed to ensuring that we're both home with our kids as much as we can be. That means, of course, that we have combinations of one parent home and day care. It also means that I have more time with the kids in the summers, and dh has more with them right now.
It's not perfect, and it doesn't take away the (totally internalized) pressure I feel that a good mom= a stay-at-home-mom. But, I do so highly value that each of us knows what it's like to be home with two funny, goofy, whiny, messy kids all day, and both of us know what it's like to feel the pressure of a paycheck. Whoever's home cooks, so sometimes we have less-than-inspired meals (by either of us). We certainly don't divide everything down the middle; dh does nearly everything pertaining to the cars and the bills, and I do the weekly laundry because I like things folded nicely. The kids get to see us both doing lots of housework, having lots of playtime with them, and going off to work. All in all, it's an arrangement that works for us, and works well. Would it work for everyone? No. I do wish, though, that there was more recognition that sharing both bread making and winning can be a feasible, realistic choice for families.
*This is NOT a judgment of husbands who are sole breadwinners. Nor of moms who are at-home moms. I am absolutely *for* each family's right -- and obligation -- to make thoughtful choices about what's best for each particular situation. Just so you know.
Originally when we two sisters started this blog, one thing that fascinated us was our ability to both feel guilt over what we were or were not doing with parenting and work. Staying home meant worrying about not working; working meant feeling like a far less than perfect mom because, after all, really good moms choose to stay home with their kids (when they can).
This came up again for me this week because a small work trip is going to take me out of town for a few days longer than I'd anticipated next month, and it sent me reeling. My colleague asked me why it was bothering me (in a genuine, honest way); he noted that his father had traveled quite a bit when he was a kid. Of course, it made me anxious me to think about being gone because I'll desperately miss my kids and dh--but the kids will have their grandparents here and their dad, of course, who is with them two days a week anyway. So it's not like they're not used to him. What bothered me most, though, was thinking that other women -- women I admire and appreciate and respect -- might in turn be thinking in their heads, "Wow--I can't *imagine* leaving my kids for 6 days. What kind of mom is she?" Now, mind you, this comes solely from the voices in my own head. No one has *ever* said anything negative to me about working, and I'm surrounded by many close friends who are amazing stay-at-home-moms. The judgment I'm hearing, then, is all from within. It's a cultural message I've somehow absorbed well.
So that's the guilt part. It's subsided recently, but came bubbling up again over this upcoming trip. The flip side of the coin is what attempting to share responsibilities mostly equally--or somewhat equally--has done for our little family and dh and I's relationship.* I stumbled on this site tonight, and it helps me name what we're trying to do. I think my dh is even more unusual than I am -- and those of you who know us might say we're both wierd! -- but, beyond working enough to make our monthly bills and provide as well for our family as we can, neither of us cares who actually makes more, and both of us are committed to ensuring that we're both home with our kids as much as we can be. That means, of course, that we have combinations of one parent home and day care. It also means that I have more time with the kids in the summers, and dh has more with them right now.
It's not perfect, and it doesn't take away the (totally internalized) pressure I feel that a good mom= a stay-at-home-mom. But, I do so highly value that each of us knows what it's like to be home with two funny, goofy, whiny, messy kids all day, and both of us know what it's like to feel the pressure of a paycheck. Whoever's home cooks, so sometimes we have less-than-inspired meals (by either of us). We certainly don't divide everything down the middle; dh does nearly everything pertaining to the cars and the bills, and I do the weekly laundry because I like things folded nicely. The kids get to see us both doing lots of housework, having lots of playtime with them, and going off to work. All in all, it's an arrangement that works for us, and works well. Would it work for everyone? No. I do wish, though, that there was more recognition that sharing both bread making and winning can be a feasible, realistic choice for families.
*This is NOT a judgment of husbands who are sole breadwinners. Nor of moms who are at-home moms. I am absolutely *for* each family's right -- and obligation -- to make thoughtful choices about what's best for each particular situation. Just so you know.
posted by prrrof at 9:20 PM
3 Comments:
I'm interested to check out that site more...
My thoughts: I think the best part about your family is that you've figured out what works for you, AND it doesn't mean the kids never see their parents... I think the idea that you can "have it all" is a bit overstated, but you guys have a situation that doesn't short-change your kids... which is having it all, as far as I'm concerned.
A friend of mine told me how she felt a bit condemned by more feminist-types when (back in the '70s) she chose to stay home with her kids... The whole point is she chose to, and it worked for her. The point is not *what* you do (as far as working/staying at home), but that you are being thoughtful about it. IMH (albeit correct) O, of course. (:
And from the standpoint of a SAHM, your upcoming travels sans kids sounds delicious. A friend of mine who also stays at home recently left her kids for a few days to visit an ailing grandparent in the midwest... and we talked about how exciting it would be to be on a plane with nothing to do but read a novel, no noses to wipe, no potty reminders... So if it feels like no "good mom" could imagine leaving the brood for a few days, it just might be because she truly *can't* imagine how wonderful the break would be. (Not that it's so awful to stay at home, just sometimes feels like it'd be nice to change it up a bit!) And not that at the end she wouldn't be dying for a sticky kiss or a snotty nose to wipe, but just the same...
I love being home with my babies, but I'm not one of those just-couldn't-imagine-it-any-other-way-how-could-I-miss-all-the-important-moments-of-their-lives mothers either. And I feel envious of the moms who work sometimes, because I think they might be better at being in the moment, so to speak...
That's my 2 pesos for the post. Honestly, you're guilty if you do, guilty if you don't... motherhood in the 21st century.
you go, girl. woman. professional person. whatever.
i think you should enjoy every snot-free second.
i still remember the first time we went to a restaurant and didn't have to order for the kids, cut their food, or wait to eat our own dinners. it was bliss.
You can both be proud of how you work through your particular situation. I admire it and I think your kids are both going to benefit from your/their probably unusual lifestyle. Love and support are not lacking in your home and that is a gift they will take with them when they leave. I like to use your family as an example of parenting in a non-typical way being successful.
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