One of those days...
I have to start this post by admitting that I've broken a vow I've made about 3562 times in the last 12 hours alone. I'm not talking about a marriage vow or anything so serious as that... I've just been trying to make an effort to be nice to my family. Which sounds simple, and maybe it is if you aren't me. But for whatever reason, it seems to be real easy to be sweet to strangers, and then turn on the other poor souls who share our house and make them sorry that I live there too. Case in point: today.
We had a bit of a rough start, as Boy #1 was super tired and slept until 10 a.m. For most people that would be a joyous occasion, but for us, it's no good at all. He wakes up rummy, cranky and out of sorts and typically... does. not. nap. At all. So today, he woke up just as I would have predicted and proceeded through the day pushing just about every button I have. First he ran around the house smacking everything in arm's range. Plants, humans, loud toys, the sliding glass door. He picked up his baby brother. Repeatedly. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that it generally ends in a drop, which leads to a screaming episode. He was bananas in a store we visited. He ran trucks through my flowers. Every time I tried to curb his behavior was met with resistance, including but not limited to the Temper Tantrum Dance (jumping, screaming and insta-crying). (I'd rather see square dancing, but such must not be in his repetoire.) I think approximately 2 words I said all day were acknowledged.
You get the picture. And I was not a nice mommy today. I raised my voice, I was too in-his-face. I hated the way I was parenting him, and yet could not figure out what wasn't working.
Then just before bedtime, DH called and I wasn't nice to him either. The day was awful I knew (at that point anyway) that it was me, not an exhausted spouse or a curious and spirited toddler, that needed to change. But what had gone wrong?
One culprit could have been the try-to-do-too-much effect. I wanted to get a project done before DH returns from work tomorrow for two reasons. For one thing, it's something I enjoy doing, and secondly, I wanted to surprise him by actually finishing something without leaving a truckload of things for him to do that I just couldn't get to. ( More on this later, but trust me, the project isn't nearly as exciting as that last run-on sentance makes it sound.) I just wanted to do something productive.
Then the thought crossed my mind that perhaps the day was bad because I'm just not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Maybe I'm not patient enough, not nice enough, not so-many-things enough to do this job. And maybe, just maybe, I don't want this job. Can't do it, don't want to, done pretending. Ready to get out of the sandbox.
With that thought in mind, I started my evening (after both Boy #1 and Boy #2 were sleeping, of course) by downloading my most recent pictures. A trip to the mountains, time with family and friends, just household antics... nothing but pictures of sweetness and life. My greatest fear is that I'll put out the spark in my kids' eyes... and I fear doing that through not being kind to them. So after looking at recent memories, a hot bath and lots of M&Ms, I guess Life's Great Lesson for today is this: s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. If I had just not set too high of a goal, not insisted on doing something that was monumental with two kids in tow, not spent the day consumed by being productive, we could have enjoyed the day a lot more. I don't think I would have questioned whether this is what I should be doing. And, especially, it would have been easier to be kind. Be nice. Be a mom I like and not one that makes me cringe. Be a mom that doesn't have to be quite so thankful that kids are forgiving.
We had a bit of a rough start, as Boy #1 was super tired and slept until 10 a.m. For most people that would be a joyous occasion, but for us, it's no good at all. He wakes up rummy, cranky and out of sorts and typically... does. not. nap. At all. So today, he woke up just as I would have predicted and proceeded through the day pushing just about every button I have. First he ran around the house smacking everything in arm's range. Plants, humans, loud toys, the sliding glass door. He picked up his baby brother. Repeatedly. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that it generally ends in a drop, which leads to a screaming episode. He was bananas in a store we visited. He ran trucks through my flowers. Every time I tried to curb his behavior was met with resistance, including but not limited to the Temper Tantrum Dance (jumping, screaming and insta-crying). (I'd rather see square dancing, but such must not be in his repetoire.) I think approximately 2 words I said all day were acknowledged.
You get the picture. And I was not a nice mommy today. I raised my voice, I was too in-his-face. I hated the way I was parenting him, and yet could not figure out what wasn't working.
Then just before bedtime, DH called and I wasn't nice to him either. The day was awful I knew (at that point anyway) that it was me, not an exhausted spouse or a curious and spirited toddler, that needed to change. But what had gone wrong?
One culprit could have been the try-to-do-too-much effect. I wanted to get a project done before DH returns from work tomorrow for two reasons. For one thing, it's something I enjoy doing, and secondly, I wanted to surprise him by actually finishing something without leaving a truckload of things for him to do that I just couldn't get to. ( More on this later, but trust me, the project isn't nearly as exciting as that last run-on sentance makes it sound.) I just wanted to do something productive.
Then the thought crossed my mind that perhaps the day was bad because I'm just not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Maybe I'm not patient enough, not nice enough, not so-many-things enough to do this job. And maybe, just maybe, I don't want this job. Can't do it, don't want to, done pretending. Ready to get out of the sandbox.
With that thought in mind, I started my evening (after both Boy #1 and Boy #2 were sleeping, of course) by downloading my most recent pictures. A trip to the mountains, time with family and friends, just household antics... nothing but pictures of sweetness and life. My greatest fear is that I'll put out the spark in my kids' eyes... and I fear doing that through not being kind to them. So after looking at recent memories, a hot bath and lots of M&Ms, I guess Life's Great Lesson for today is this: s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. If I had just not set too high of a goal, not insisted on doing something that was monumental with two kids in tow, not spent the day consumed by being productive, we could have enjoyed the day a lot more. I don't think I would have questioned whether this is what I should be doing. And, especially, it would have been easier to be kind. Be nice. Be a mom I like and not one that makes me cringe. Be a mom that doesn't have to be quite so thankful that kids are forgiving.
posted by Left Coast Sister at 10:40 PM
8 Comments:
Okay. Believe me when I say I hadn't yet read this when I called and left my message yesterday evening--too strange. Even though this isn't a blog about "one SAHM and one working mom," boy, yesterday the forces aligned to show both of us the good and the bad of our days, wherever we were found...
Hang in there. You're at one of THE toughest moments in little-kid-dom--the toddler and the crawler-who-wants-to-be-held. I do feel your pain. Really.
I can't think of just the right thing to say to support you. Just know that we ALL have had those kind of days...we ALL are not the moms we want to be sometimes...you AREN'T the only one not being who you want to be sometimes. Raising kids is HARD. This is a good post to counter Bryan's recent post... yes, a lot more is sometimes riding on a paying job, but I don't think a paying job ever quite brings us to this level of low. I could be wrong. Anyway, you are a GOOD ENOUGH mom. That always cracks me up, but it's been proven in psychology circles that you don't need to be perfect - you just need to be GOOD ENOUGH. :) Thank goodness for that!
what if you're not good enough? Hah. The problem is, I think that so few of us are ever 'good enough' in our own eyes. LCS, I so could have written this post. Kindness. That's all. Why is it SO hard??? I'll share a secret here. I've started to go to a therapist because I can't bear the thought that I'm wrecking my kids. And the root of most of it is unkindness it seems. Ugh. Well, my hope is that there's hope. I have to believe it or shoot me now!
i think your recognition of the importance of "I wanted to get a project done" is astute. (can recognition be astute? not sure.)
anyway, i find i have the least patience and the poorest parenting skills when i have an agenda and the kids don't cooperate with it.
and if that coincides with a day when the kids need extra patience and extra focus, the results are often less than optimum...
PS. my last comment sounds like i was suggesting that
a) i have your situation all figured out, and
b) your difficult day had to do with poor parenting skills.
didn't mean to suggest either of those things.
You'd all be shocked to know that better days have already happened... jay are, I think talking to a professional is a good idea... sometimes I think I'm just out of ideas about how to deal with this stuff! And the funny thing is, prrrof, I thought it was quite funny that the very day we would have switched places would have sent us both running back screaming for our old life (: Bryan, no offense taken! I do need to remember that I'll be a lot more productive... someday. I'm just glad to know that between a highly educated sister, a therapist, anoterh SAHM and a computer dude, no one's comment has been along the lines of "yep, you oughta give up your kids because they men in the green coats are coming to take you away."
oh the joys of motherhood!
no matter what road you choose
you are wracked with guilt
& question your choice at least once a week:)
love you, lcs:)
you are absolutely not alone...
hi....
I too have been and am "there", multiple times in a day....
like, I am now reading this blog so late, because everyone wants a piece of mommy....and it is just too ridiculous to yell at a baby "can't you just feed and change yourself... I wanna read this blog!!!"
yes, maybe better tomorrow...
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