A vacation gone terribly wrong
I'm not going to link to the story, because I'm sure you are all aware of it. (A quick recap in case you haven't been following it: A British couple vacationing in Portugal are currently searching for their 4 yr old daughter. They were on a holiday with several other couples and part of their vacation routine (it comes out now) was to put the kids (aged 4 and 2 yr-old twins) down for a nap and head out to the hotel tapas bar for dinner and a few glasses of wine. They checked on the kids every 30 minutes. They didn't want to hire a babysitter (apparently services were available for hire) because they didn't want to leave their kids with strangers.)
Let me first explain that I really don't trust the news regarding stories like these. Between what law enforcement must filter out to do their job and the tendency of today's new agencies to be shocking, what we are told can be so nuanced and slanted that there's a lot of opinion thrown in with a little fact. In addition, the people that the media attempt to villianize often are a bit more than the one-dimensional figures that they are presented to us as.
That said, I'm not trying to kick someone when they are down (I feel like the press has made them out to be careless parents). I'm sure these parents have never been more distressed than they are right now. But I don't really understand how parents can leave their kids alone under the following circumstances: (1) the kids neither understand nor speak the language of the country you are in; (2) the kids may not know where you are; and (3) the kids are old enough to get out of bed and leave the room if they wake up startled, scared or curious.
We don't know what happened in that room yet. But what if the little girl woke up that night and went to look for her parents? What if she got distressed upon not finding them and began to wander in the halls? I'm not saying that is what happened, but I can't help but think it's a possibility.
When Boy #1 was a baby, a relative and I were talking about how we'd never, ever leave our babies alone. And yet, I have to think that it would be even riskier now that he's three. He can open the door, let people in, talk to strangers and go places with them. He isn't supposed to. But he could. And if the right person approached him, he would. I know I could talk to him over and over about strangers and bad people, but I don't think he can wrap his 3 year old mind around the idea that there are bad people who would lure him away nicely and then harm him. I love that innocence but it is also so dangerous. As for my baby, I wouldn't leave him alone either. But if I did, he couldn't let anyone in the room, he couldn't be sweet-talked into leaving with strangers and he can't be startled from his sleep and leave his bed.
I know other cultures have different habits around child-tending. I remember a story of a Danish couple visiting New York City some years ago who had their child taken by Child Protective Services because they were dining in a restaurant while their baby was sleeping in a stroller outside of the restaurant unattended. Their logic was that they do that all the time without problems in Copenhagen. Why did they somehow not realize that they weren't in Copenhagen at that point? The British parents apparently did this every night. They have a nanny at home, so apparently they wouldn't do it in London. I just wonder why it seemed perfectly logical to do in Portugal.
I'm not bringing this up to criticize the parents. I'm sure they are absolutely distraught over this and it is destroying their hearts as the days go by without locating their precious daughter. And I know I come from a country where most people wouldn't leave their kids alone because of the publicity that child abduction receives (ie, we think it happens all the time since the news tends to report on it daily). We have Amber Alerts, the Polly Klas Foundation, Elizabeth Smart and so many other reminders of this terrible act on an almost daily basis.
I'm sure these folks are good people who were just trying to have a little adult time in their vacation. I hope so much that they find their daughter and soon. I hope other families will think twice before leaving their kids alone in any part of the world, no matter how foreign or familiar. I hope we stop making children responsible for their own well-being.
Let me first explain that I really don't trust the news regarding stories like these. Between what law enforcement must filter out to do their job and the tendency of today's new agencies to be shocking, what we are told can be so nuanced and slanted that there's a lot of opinion thrown in with a little fact. In addition, the people that the media attempt to villianize often are a bit more than the one-dimensional figures that they are presented to us as.
That said, I'm not trying to kick someone when they are down (I feel like the press has made them out to be careless parents). I'm sure these parents have never been more distressed than they are right now. But I don't really understand how parents can leave their kids alone under the following circumstances: (1) the kids neither understand nor speak the language of the country you are in; (2) the kids may not know where you are; and (3) the kids are old enough to get out of bed and leave the room if they wake up startled, scared or curious.
We don't know what happened in that room yet. But what if the little girl woke up that night and went to look for her parents? What if she got distressed upon not finding them and began to wander in the halls? I'm not saying that is what happened, but I can't help but think it's a possibility.
When Boy #1 was a baby, a relative and I were talking about how we'd never, ever leave our babies alone. And yet, I have to think that it would be even riskier now that he's three. He can open the door, let people in, talk to strangers and go places with them. He isn't supposed to. But he could. And if the right person approached him, he would. I know I could talk to him over and over about strangers and bad people, but I don't think he can wrap his 3 year old mind around the idea that there are bad people who would lure him away nicely and then harm him. I love that innocence but it is also so dangerous. As for my baby, I wouldn't leave him alone either. But if I did, he couldn't let anyone in the room, he couldn't be sweet-talked into leaving with strangers and he can't be startled from his sleep and leave his bed.
I know other cultures have different habits around child-tending. I remember a story of a Danish couple visiting New York City some years ago who had their child taken by Child Protective Services because they were dining in a restaurant while their baby was sleeping in a stroller outside of the restaurant unattended. Their logic was that they do that all the time without problems in Copenhagen. Why did they somehow not realize that they weren't in Copenhagen at that point? The British parents apparently did this every night. They have a nanny at home, so apparently they wouldn't do it in London. I just wonder why it seemed perfectly logical to do in Portugal.
I'm not bringing this up to criticize the parents. I'm sure they are absolutely distraught over this and it is destroying their hearts as the days go by without locating their precious daughter. And I know I come from a country where most people wouldn't leave their kids alone because of the publicity that child abduction receives (ie, we think it happens all the time since the news tends to report on it daily). We have Amber Alerts, the Polly Klas Foundation, Elizabeth Smart and so many other reminders of this terrible act on an almost daily basis.
I'm sure these folks are good people who were just trying to have a little adult time in their vacation. I hope so much that they find their daughter and soon. I hope other families will think twice before leaving their kids alone in any part of the world, no matter how foreign or familiar. I hope we stop making children responsible for their own well-being.
posted by Left Coast Sister at 1:28 PM
4 Comments:
Amen to all. What a horrible story.
Earlier this year, when my #2 started kindergarten, I had a dilemma. I had to pick him up right in the middle of #1's nap. My friend suggested that I call the house phone with my cell phone; then leave the house phone next to the crib with the line engaged; and then hurry and go pick up my other son at school 1 mile away. #1 was in a crib at the time and couldn't climb out, so the "worst" that could happen is that he'd wake up and cry.
I did it once. I was SO STRESSED OUT the entire time that I never did it again. I just altered the nap schedule over time.
I know what it's like to be absolutely desperate to get some adult time. I surely do. And maybe if you can afford to travel to another country, you can afford to bring some teenage relative or friend with you??
99.9% of the time, nothing would have happened here. You know? But here you go...the .01%. That's what I worry about.
So sad.
Completely agree, Lisa. And as far as abduction goes, a few minutes makes a difference... seems like a phone next to a crib would work, but in reality, what could you do if anything DID happen? Drive home at 80 mph in a school zone? Probably not... anyway, just makes you want to love up your little ones and never take them for granted! Like you said, SOMEONE has to be that .01%...
I just let my daughter travel by bus to Seattle (30 miles) by herself for the first time. We went over the schedules for an hour beforehand. She called me every hour to reassure me that she was okay. I was still a nervous wreck, and she's almost 17...
You know how freaked out I was just letting my boys ride their bikes to the store!
I don't want to judge, but I can't EVER imagine being in a situation on vacation where I would even consider this.
I haven't heard a thing about this story though - so that is truly my own opinion (based on what I read from you).
I think that the less time spent on the parents and the more time spent trying to find their daughter, the better - for all involved. I am sure they feel awful about their decision and would take it back if they could.
That's why this parenting thing is so hard at times, EVERY decision you make has the potential to affect your child. EVERY decision.
I hope there is a happy ending to this.
Carrie
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