my little white lie
What makes me laugh about myself is how *differently* I'll try to capture what my life is really like, depending on whom I'm talking to. Example: if I'm talking to some dear older friend, or a woman who's working in the home with her children (! how's that, left coast sister? :)), I'll say that #1 "goes to preschool twice a week"--sometimes I'll even stretch it and say that she goes "two half-days." What I *don't* say is that, really, if I'm honest, this is daycare--and that she's there pretty full days. Of course, it's not hard to take her; this is the child that bounds in to our room in the morning, whispering, "is it a school day today?" in a voice full of hope.
When I talk to my colleagues, though, or others, I apologize for not being readily available on Fridays (my one full day home with the kids.) Why do I do that? Why do I feel compelled to stretch the truth, rather than being mostly honest about how I spend my days? It's pretty complicated to explain in a nutshell--certainly, I'm not a stay-at-home-mom, but I'm not a "work 50+ hours away from the kids" mom either.
I wish there were better ways to represent the millions of options that there are for parenting--seems like another aspect of life where we get so stuck into binaries (ie, either you're a SAHM or you're not. Either you're a working, daycare-using mom or you're not). This is *not* to make light of Left Coast Sister's situation (or others like her), not at all. We've cobbled together an arrangement that (mostly, usually, except for certain crisis moments that I always hit in the semester) works for us: I'm home larger and smaller parts of all days, as is my husband; a next-door neighbor and part-time daycare fill in the gaps. Yes, we're incredibly fortunate; but yes, we chose this and worked really hard for it. No, it's not perfect. But still, I always feel the need to justify it. Just as SAHMs feel obligated to justify their family decisions.
No easy matter, these things.
When I talk to my colleagues, though, or others, I apologize for not being readily available on Fridays (my one full day home with the kids.) Why do I do that? Why do I feel compelled to stretch the truth, rather than being mostly honest about how I spend my days? It's pretty complicated to explain in a nutshell--certainly, I'm not a stay-at-home-mom, but I'm not a "work 50+ hours away from the kids" mom either.
I wish there were better ways to represent the millions of options that there are for parenting--seems like another aspect of life where we get so stuck into binaries (ie, either you're a SAHM or you're not. Either you're a working, daycare-using mom or you're not). This is *not* to make light of Left Coast Sister's situation (or others like her), not at all. We've cobbled together an arrangement that (mostly, usually, except for certain crisis moments that I always hit in the semester) works for us: I'm home larger and smaller parts of all days, as is my husband; a next-door neighbor and part-time daycare fill in the gaps. Yes, we're incredibly fortunate; but yes, we chose this and worked really hard for it. No, it's not perfect. But still, I always feel the need to justify it. Just as SAHMs feel obligated to justify their family decisions.
No easy matter, these things.
posted by Anonymous at 11:58 AM
2 Comments:
Does a woman ever get to fit into a "slot" and not feel guilty about the one she's not in? Or the thing she's not doing? Or what she might be doing better in this area or that area? Sigh. We just have to do what we feel is best and when it doesn't feel so great anymore, we make adjustments. I firmly believe there's no one right way because every family, every situation, is so different---each filled with its own history, its own special needs, its own solution. Thank goodness there isn't one set formula or somehow we wouldn't do that exactly right and feel guilty about that too!!
I agree with jay are...Each situation is different, each family is different.
Its hard to remember because we are all worried about justifying our situation...but the deal is if we can look at our kids and see that they are mostly happy (because no one is happy 100% of the time), healthy and safe then we should be happy too and not feel guilty.
Man if it was just that easy huh..
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